


Until My Lungs Give Out

by beyondthesefourwalls



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 9-1-1 - Freeform, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fire Fam - Freeform, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Maybe a little angst, Romance, buddie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:15:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22016233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyondthesefourwalls/pseuds/beyondthesefourwalls
Summary: It doesn’t hit him all at once.It’s not a sudden realization that drops him to his knees or leaves him gasping for breath. Instead, it happens over time. It creeps up on him slowly and steadily, piece by piece, until it’s all encompassing, consuming every fiber of his being.He loves him.OREddie Diaz is in love with Evan Buckley. He decides to tell him, and it takes Buck awhile to respond.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 44
Kudos: 678





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written any kind of fic in over three years, and of course it's these bumbling idiots that give me the inspiration to get back into the game. I'm a little rusty, but overall happy with how this turned out. I'd absolutely love feedback on it. The title and the scene at the end was inspired by a line from a Tyler Childers song "All Your'n" which I do not own. Nor do I own 9-1-1, but buy am I happy that both exist.

**Until My Lungs Give Out**

**_\----_ **

_Follow me and lead me on and never let me down_

**_\----_ **

It doesn’t hit him all at once.

It’s not a sudden realization that drops him to his knees or leaves him gasping for breath. Instead, it happens over time. It creeps up on him slowly and steadily, piece by piece, until it’s all encompassing, consuming every fiber of his being.

He loves him.

 _Dios_ , does Eddie love him.

The love he feels for Buck is different than love he’s felt before. It’s not fleeting like the girlfriend he had in high school, the experimental kind he had with his boyfriend in college, or a love that formed out of duty and responsibility like it was with Shannon. This was _more._

The feelings had been there for a long time. They had just manifested from comradery to friendship to _everything_. He can’t remember when it happened, or if there was a moment that really solidified it. No, no there wasn’t a moment. More so a series of them – everyone they’ve had, in fact, from their first confrontation in the house gym to almost blowing themselves up days later, to the devastation on his face when he thought he had lost Christopher, to their argument in the grocery store and everything in between and after.

He tells him how he feels for the first time during their weekly movie night with Christopher. They’ve been venturing through the Harry Potter series for the last month, and the eight-year-old had just retired to his bedroom for the night after the credits started rolling on the Goblet of Fire. He’s leaning against the island watching Buck wash the pizza grease off the dishes when it slips out.

“I love you.”

To his credit, Buck only pauses for the briefest of moments before he finishes with the plate in his hands and sets it in the rack. “I’m sorry?”

Eddie shrugs his shoulders. A smile was tugging at his lips even as his heart cracked like thunder in his chest.

“You don’t have to say it back,” he assures him, “You don’t have to feel the same. I don’t even know if you’re interested in more than women. And that’s completely okay. I just...wanted you to know.”

“Eds...” Buck tried. He stops himself short, seemingly at a loss for what to say. Eddie could see the struggle play across his face.

“It’s okay,” he says, “this doesn’t have to change anything. You’re a part of this family. I just wanted you to know that.”

They stare at each other for a long moment before Buck nods his head slowly.

“This just took me by surprise, man.”

“It’s okay, Buck,” he repeats, “it’ll only change things if you let it.”

Buck nods again, and Eddie isn’t sure he ever stopped.

He’s surprised that he doesn’t feel more anxious. There’s no pit in his stomach that is awaiting his heart to drop in to. There’s no voice in the back of his head saying that he’s made a terrible mistake and that his friendship will never be the same. Instead, there’s a peace that settles over him because finally, _finally_ , he’s not carrying the weight of three words in his chest.

“We’re good?”

“We’re good,” Eddie assures him.

And they are.

**\----**

Little changes over the next few weeks. Their routine is the same as it’s always been. They work their shifts and on the next two Fridays they make it through Order of the Phoenix and the Half Blood Prince. Buck still picks up Christopher from school on Tuesday when Eddie’s shift ends three hours after his and the same carefree laughter emitting from the two of them greet him when he lets himself into Buck’s loft to retrieve his son. It’s nice. Eddie decides that if this is as much as he’ll ever get, he’s okay with that. Christopher is happy with how things are, and he can be, too.

It's on a Sunday when things shift.

It’s rare that they’re on rotation on a Sunday. Being on the Captain’s squadron has its perks. But a case of the flu hit the 118, and Eddie could use the overtime. He’s not surprised when Buck walks in, too. Since being welcomed back, he’s volunteered for as much work as possible. He jokes that it’s making up for lost time, but deep-down Eddie knows he still feels like he has something to prove.

“What’s up?” He says from his seat on the bench in the locker room, tying up his black work boots.

“Hey,” Buck walks in the room and, like he’s done a thousand times before, pats Eddie on the back as he walks past. Only he lingers for a touch longer than normal. Eddie watches him out of the corner of his eye as he throws his bag in his locker. His skin burned from the contact.

“You good?”

“Yeah,” Buck responds. He clears his throat and Eddie arches an eyebrow at the obvious fluster his best friend is feeling.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, man. I’m good,” Buck assures him. Eddie stares at him for a moment longer before letting out a sigh and nodding his head.

“If you say so.” He finishes lacing up his shoes and stands. He starts toward the door to head upstairs in hopes of catching some of the game before any alarm sounds for the day. He doesn’t notice Buck make a move toward him until he feels a hand on his wrist, halting his movements. He looks down at the fingers wrapped around his skin before turning to meet his eyes. His question is obvious in his eyes.

“Can I – “ Buck stops himself short. His cheeks flush red and there is a line of frustration creasing his forehead that Eddie has seen so many times before.

“Can you…?”

“I want – “ He stops again. Like always, Eddie resists the urge to reach out and smooth away the stress with the pads of his fingers.

“You want…?”

Before he can respond, the alarm blares through the firehouse. He gives a small smile at the frustration that immediately washes over the blonde’s face.

“Guess I’ll never know now, huh?” He gives Buck a wink and tries not to let the disappointment show when he steps away far enough that Buck’s grip on him lets up and falls away. He knocks his knuckles against the doorway as he exits, “Let’s get to work.”

**\----**

“Hey.”

Eddie looks up from where he’s typing up a text to his abuela as he leans against the bar, waiting for the next round of drinks he had been tasked to retrieve. He finishes his message and shoves his phone in his pocket.

“Hey back. You change your mind about the beer?”

Buck smiles and shakes his head. He seems nervous, and Eddie feels his heartbeat increase just the slightest bit.

After they had returned from the call that interrupted them, they had remained in their regular routine as best friends and partners. Eddie had asked him what he had been asking for in the locker room, but Buck had brushed him off, insisting that it was nothing and they could talk later.

Later hadn’t come.

It was a little over a week later now and after a hell of a shift, the 5 of them were out at one of the unofficial LAFD bars near the 118 to unwind before returning to their homes.

“No, I just wanted to catch you alone.” A blush immediately forms on the blonde’s cheeks, and Eddie can’t help the small laugh that escapes him as he sputters to try and backtrack.

“Buck. BUCK! It’s okay man. I thought we said we weren’t going to make this awkward?”

“I’m not – I don’t mean to make it awkward.”

Eddie feels a tinge of annoyance. Not at Buck, but at the situation. He doesn’t regret telling him; he would have driven himself crazy if he hadn’t. Instead, he aims his emotions at the inevitable shift that had occurred. It was subtle, and Eddie knows their friendship will survive just about anything. But the dynamic has changed in certain ways he couldn’t quite name.

“Well, you aren’t doing too hot,” Eddie attempts at a joke, and it was obvious that it fell flat by the look on his best friend’s face. After a moment, however, that flustered look turns to the determined look he has seen so many times before, whether it be before running into a burning building or squaring up with Christopher when he was protesting going to bed. He suddenly feels a little hot under the collar the longer the look stays and he goes without saying anything to go along with it.

“I want to try something. If you – if you wouldn’t mind.”

Eddie lets an amused smile appear on his face, the fondness for this man in front of him creeping up on him and filling him with warmth like it always does. “I guess that depends on what you want to try, doesn’t it?”

Buck looks like a deer stuck in the headlights for a moment, his blue eyes wide, before he lets out a breath of laughter. His face flames red, and this time Eddie knows it’s from embarrassment.

Buck takes a half a step forward. His fingers reach out and touch Eddie’s wrist for a moment before he lets his hand trail up the length of his arm to finally come to rest on his shoulder. Both of their eyes follow his fingers the whole time. Eddie’s skin burns in the best way. _Dios_ , he wants this man. He swallows thickly and forces the words past his lips, “Don’t do something because you think you have to.”

“That’s not –“ Buck inhales deeply, and Eddie can feel the coolness of his breath hit his face when he exhales, “That’s not why I’m doing it.”

“Then why?”

Before he can get an answer, Buck closes the distance between them and places the chastest of kisses on his lips. It’s feather light, and Eddie barely feels the pressure of it. But oh, did he _feel_ it. It was more than he could have anticipated, yet less at the same time. It wasn’t fireworks and trumpets. There was no stopping of time. But that same peace that filled him when he told Buck he loved him fills him again now. Contentment like he has never felt before washes over him, all from the feel of Buck’s lips against his for barely a moment. Not for the first time, but now with a little bit more context, he wonders what it would feel like, how much _better_ it could be, if it was more than just a moment.

“Because I wanted to.”

It takes a moment for Eddie’s brain to catch up with the fact that Buck was responding to his earlier question. Before he has a chance to respond, to ask why exactly he wanted to and what that means and, _dios mio_ , can they do that _again_ , the bartender was setting a tray in front of them. Both he and Buck jump at the suddenness of it, too caught up in their own bubble that has now been effectively and completely burst.

“You want to start a tab or cash out?”

“Uh...”

“You can leave it open,” Buck spoke up when he saw that Eddie wasn’t capable of it quite yet, quickly handing over his debit card from his wallet that he fished out of his pocket. He shot Eddie a small smirk as he picks up the tray of drinks. “We should get these to the masses before they start protesting.”

“Yea-“ Eddie clears his throat when his voice comes out higher than normal. “Yeah, we should.”

“Talk later?” It’s a question, but comes out as a promise. Eddie can’t do anything but nod.

Buck smiles at him and bumps his shoulder against him in the friendly way he’s always done, but he swoons.

The night wraps up about an hour and two drinks later, and Eddie felt like he was going to crawl out of his skin the entire time. Buck was beside him as he normally was, where he belongs, Eddie couldn’t help but think, sitting so close together in the booth that his body heat radiated off of him in waves from where their thighs touched. It was the best kind of torture. Where he was able to push it aside before, now that something had happened, was _happening_ , even, he couldn’t bring himself to ignore it.

He was _screwed_.

“Are you good to drive?” Buck asks him after they had said goodbye to the rest of the squad with a promise to see them after their designated day off tomorrow. They’re standing in-between their two vehicles, and Buck is twirling his keys around his fingers. It’s a nervous tick that he has that Eddie had noticed about him months ago.

“Yeah,” he says, “I didn’t have any more than usu-“ He’s cut off, quite abruptly but oh so welcoming, by Buck pushing him against the side of his Jeep and pressing his lips against his for the second time that night. Eddie can’t help the moan that escapes him. His hands immediately reach up to cup his face and he moves forward to deepen the kiss. He feels Buck’s tongue trace his lips, and he doesn’t think he’s ever accepted someone in his space so quickly. Whereas before it was tranquility, this is intensity at its finest. His nerve endings are on fire. Buck takes a step closer and suddenly they’re flush together. His back is digging into the door handle, and keys are pressed into the skin on his side, but he doesn’t care because _Buck is kissing him_. Buck is _touching_ him, his hands gripping his waist, and nothing else matters at this very moment.

He smiles at him when a lack of oxygen finally makes them pull away. It’s a small smile, one that’s unfamiliar on his face where there’s usually a smirk firmly in place, and Eddie’s heart _thumps thumps thumps_ in his chest. He opens his mouth to speak when his phone rings in his pocket. His smile immediately slips into a frown as he digs it out of his pocket.

“Abuela? Que pasa?” He runs his hands through his hair as the older woman explains that Christopher had a nightmare and has been asking for him. Buck, who is still standing close enough to touch, frowns as he overhears the conversation. 

“Go,” Buck insists, setting a hand on his chest briefly. Eddie looks at him and the question is clear on his face. “It’s okay.” 

“We need to talk about this, don’t you think?” Eddie asks quietly when his abuela said she was going to put the phone down for a second and go get Christopher to speak with him.

Buck shrugs and simply says, “It’s Christopher.”

Eddie’s heart flips and his breath catches. He says it so nonchalantly, so understanding and natural. _It’s Christopher_. Christopher, who adores Buck as much as Eddie does. Christopher, who is his _everything_ and who he knows Buck loves, too.

He surges forward and crashes their mouths together in a hard, demanding kiss, one hand burying itself in Buck’s short hair and the other holding his phone limply at his ear. Buck’s weight presses into him, and part of Eddie wishes that he were pressed against something more comfortable than the door of the Jeep he has ridden in so many times before. A bigger part of him, however, doesn’t give a damn. They continue like this, their tongues twining together and their thighs and chests flush against one another’s until a faint “Daddy?” in his ear has Eddie snapping back into reality. He’s panting for breath when he responds. Buck stays close to him, running his fingers through Eddie’s hair. His eyes close in pleasure and his head falls back against the glass of the window while Christopher tells him about the bad dream that he had. “I’ll be there soon, mijo. 15 minutes, okay?” After Christopher confirms that he would be okay until then, Eddie hangs up the phone.

“Another nightmare about the tsunami?” Buck asks, and Eddie knows there’s nothing he can do to stop the regret and the guilt that creeps into his voice because he’s tried before, but if he knows anything about the man in front of him, it’s how _stubborn_ he is. Especially when it comes to the events of that day with his son. The protectiveness makes him want to kiss him again.

“He’s okay, Buck.” Eddie assures him, and he reaches down to squeeze his hand. The other man gives him a small smile back and a single nod of his head. “You know, he’d probably feel better if his Buck was there. He dreams about losing you, too.”

That brings a full smile to his face now, but Buck shakes his head anyway. “That is far too tempting for me right now, but nice try.”

“Can’t fault me for trying,” Eddie jokes, and he feels accomplished when a laugh meets his ears. “So what now?” 

“Now…you go get your son, and make sure he’s okay. And you and I talk later?”

Eddie wants to argue with him. He doesn’t want to give Buck time to overthink this and decide it was a mistake. He wants to hear why he did this now and if he has any intentions of doing it again, but most importantly he wants to know how he feels and what this means for their friendships. Because that’s what matters the most here, isn’t it? But instead of arguing, he just nods back at him, because he knows he promised Christopher 15 minutes and if there’s anything he hates, it’s breaking promises to that little boy.

“Later, then.”

“Eddie,” Buck says when they had put some distance between them and the older of the two had unlocked the doors to his truck. He turns to look at him, and the blonde has that determined look in his eyes again. He must have been able to read the emotions playing across Eddie’s face, or maybe he just needed to reassure himself, but the words that come out of his mouth send relief spreading through Eddie’s veins. “I don’t regret this, okay? We’ll talk.”

It takes way more effort than it should to keep from strutting back over and kissing him again. Instead, he smiles and nods and climbs in his truck.

They’ll talk.

**\----**

They get around to having a conversation quicker than Eddie anticipated.

The next day, Buck is over for their weekly movie night. They’ve moved on from Harry Potter and have started adventuring into all of the movies in the Marvel collection. They had just finished Captain America and are cleaning up the kitchen when Buck speaks.

“My first kiss was with a guy.”

The words startle him, and Eddie looks up to meet his blue eyes.

“You said a few weeks ago that you didn’t know if I was into men or not,” Buck explains, “but my first kiss was with a guy. We were in high school and he was staying over at my house. My dad walked in on us and I was never allowed to see him again. After that, I never acted on it. Eventually I was able to push all the feelings away, or at least bury them deep enough where I could pretend not to notice them. I’d like to think that’s the reason I became such a manwhore. Overcompensating, you know. I don’t know.”

“What changed?” Eddie can’t help but ask. A playful smirk makes its way onto Buck’s face. 

“It’d be incredibly corny if I said you, wouldn’t it?”

Eddie chuckles softly, shaking his head. He can feel the beginnings of a blush on his naturally tanned cheeks.

“To be honest with you, man, I don’t know. You’re my best friend. But I’ve had best friends before and have never felt as comfortable with them as I have been with you since the beginning. You make me feel…safe. Does that make sense?”

There’s a lump forming in Eddie’s throat, so instead of speaking, he just nods his understanding.

“I think I had pushed any of those feelings aside for so long that I just didn’t realize what they actually meant. And also because I’ve never felt so…intensely about someone else before. But when you hit me out of nowhere with your feelings, it shocked me, but it made me think.”

“I’m sorry – “ Eddie starts, but Buck waves him off.

“I’m glad you did. I’m just terrified of losing you, Eddie. Of losing Christopher and this thing that the three of us have. That’s another reason I never tried to read too much into what I was feeling. You guys are too important – more important than anyone besides Maddie has ever been to me, I think. You’re like my family.”

Eddie can’t stop himself from turning and closing the distance between them. He cups his face in his hands and places a gentle, soft kiss on his lips. 

He could do this for the rest of his life, he thinks.

The thought doesn’t scare him near as much as it probably should.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises once he pulls away, doing his best to reassure the man in front of him. “I just need to know that you’re doing this because you want to, because you feel something, and not just because you’re scared if you don’t feel the same way you’re going to lose us.”

“Acting on my feelings is what scares me. But ever since you said what you said…I can’t stop thinking about you, either. And after last night…I want this, Eddie.” He laughs then, and the sound sends that same peace that his kiss has to his heart. “I just don’t really know what _this_ is, yet.”

“Well,” Eddie says, taking a step forward and planting another small kiss to his lips and taking his hands in his, “I guess we can figure that out day by day, can’t we?”

Buck smiles again, and hope spreads through him like a wildfire.

**\----**

Buck says it back for the first time almost a month later, after being drug out of a collapsed house after his oxygen tank had run out over two minutes prior. 

He’s coughing up a storm from all of the smoke inhalation and is on the verge of losing consciousness when Eddie drops him in the grass away from the flames. He falls to his knees beside him. He needs medical attention and an oxygen mask, but Hen and Chim are the only paramedics on the scene right now and are tending to the family that had been trapped inside when the fire started. He’s all Buck has right now.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Eddie gritted out between teeth clenched with worry. He throws Buck’s helmet off and unzips the protective jacket on him to help cool him down. “Cap called for us to evacuate over 5 minutes ago. Why didn’t you come out?”

“Thought I – heard someone.” It comes out as a wheeze, and Eddie’s heart clenches in his chest.

“The owners confirmed no one else was in there.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Buck’s gloved hand give a weak thumbs up before it falls back to the grass beside him. “Whoops.”

“You can’t go scaring me like that, okay?”

“Eds-“

“I know it’s our job. But we talked about this – no unnecessary risks.”

“You came in after me.”

“What the hell else was I supposed to do?” He snaps back, looking around for where Chim and Hen are because Buck’s breathing is getting worse with every cough he hacks up. 

“Eddie –“

“Dios mio, where the hell is that oxygen mask?”

“I love you, too.”

Eddie stops moving, stops _breathing_ , and stares at the man laying before him. He’s covered in soot and ash and sweat. His eyes are blood shot and when he opens his mouth he can see that his normally sparkling white teeth are covered in the same grime the outside of him is. But he’s beautiful and Eddie doesn’t know what he did to deserve those three words coming from his mouth but he’s thankful.

“I’ll love you until my lungs give out,” Buck gasps out, and it’s not funny, but Eddie laughs anyway. He gives him a watery smile as he pushes matted, damp hair off his forehead.

“So not long then, at this rate?” Eddie jokes.

“Maybe even after that,” the blonde amends before letting out a groan of pain that hits Eddie right in the chest.

“How about for as long as we want?”

Buck’s lips quirk, though it comes out more as a grimace, and nods his head. “That-that sounds-perfect. You and me and Chri-Christopher. Our little family.”

“Yeah, yeah that’s exactly right.”

“I wa-want that.”

“Shh, queirdo. Don’t strain yourself, okay? We’ll have that. You’re going to be just fine.”

“Promise?”

Eddie nods as Hen finally makes it over to them, medical bag in hand. Chim isn’t far behind her with a stretcher. It’s only when the oxygen mask is in place and Buck’s breaths are coming out a little bit easier that Eddie responds.

“I’m all yours,” he promises, squeezing his hand, “And you’re all mine.”

And they are.

\----

_I’ll love you until my lungs give out, I ain’t lying_

_I’m all your’n you’re all mine_

_There ain’t two ways around it,_

_There aren’t no tryin ‘bout it_

_I’m all your’n you’re all mine_

_\----_


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The response to this absolutely blew me away! I hadn't written anything in so long and did not expect the reception that this got. As a thank you, I've written a second piece in Buck's point of view. Strangely, this one ended up being longer than the first which I did not initially anticipate, but there were a lot of feelings to work through here. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts!

**Part II**

_It’s been forever my dear, but I can’t stop here, because I know where it’s going._

\---

Here’s the thing.

The 118 is the best thing that ever happened to him.

Not only is it the only job he’s ever held for this long, but it’s one he looks forward to going to everyday. He gets to save lives. It’s given him a purpose to get up every morning. More importantly than that, though, it’s given him a family.

Bobby is the father figure that he never had. He’s taught him more life lessons than his actual father ever had. Chimney is the annoying older brother he never wanted (and if things continue like they are, this might actually be true) – Buck rolls his eyes at that thought. Hen is like that cool cousin you always want to be around who just makes every situation better.

And then there’s Eddie.

Eddie Diaz is his best friend. The best best friend that he’s ever had, in fact. It’s only been two years, but they’re to the point where he can’t really picture his life without him. He makes him feel safe and like he can be himself without risk of any kind of judgement. No one has ever made him feel that way before.

So when he suddenly pronounces that he loves him while Buck is washing his dishes, of all things, he gets thrown for a little bit of a loop. His brain momentarily stops working while his heart goes into overdrive.

“I’m sorry?” He regrets the words as soon as they come out. Who the hell says _I’m sorry_ after someone says they _love them._

Eddie assures him that he doesn’t have to say anything back and makes a comment about how he isn’t even clear on Buck’s sexuality and if it was even a remote possibility. The comment brings up feelings long pushed away and buried from years and years ago, but Buck shakes his head before he can fall too deeply into those memories. He needs to focus on the situation at hand.

“Eds…” He doesn’t know where to go from that, doesn’t know what to say or how to act.

“It’s okay. This doesn’t have to change anything. You’re a part of this family. I just wanted you to know that.”

There’s that word again. Family. It fills Buck with warmth that he wants to stay cocooned in forever. He continues staring at the man across from him, standing in a spot Buck’s seen him in several times before as they talk while cleaning or cooking in the kitchen he spends more time in than his own.

He comes back to himself and nods slowly. “This just took me by surprise, man.”

“It’s okay, Buck,” Eddie reassures him, “it’ll only change things if you let it.”

And that’s true, isn’t it? Eddie seems very calm about the situation, happy, almost, and he can hear the honesty in his voice and knows that he doesn’t expect anything to come from this.

“We’re good?” Buck asks him nervously, because the last thing he wants is for them _not_ to be good and for him to lose this thing that they’ve created in the last few years. He needs them in his life like he needs Maddie. He can’t lose them.

“We’re good,” Eddie assures him, and Buck feels like he can breathe properly for the first time since Eddie started speaking.

Later, when he had returned to his loft and had been staring up at the ceiling watching his ceiling fan circulate for almost an hour, Buck let himself think.

Holy _shit_ , what a night.

Eddie loves him. Eddie is _in love_ with him. He doesn’t know what to do with that information, but there’s a panic slithering up his body and wrapping around his throat that he can’t seem to stop. This can’t be happening. It _can’t._

Eddie is his best friend. His best friend in the whole entire world.

He can’t stop his mind from flashing back to a time when he had another best friend. Lucas had been in his classes since he could remember. They were 15 and didn’t know what love was, but they did know what attraction felt like. They just didn’t know that being attracted to someone with the same body parts as you wasn’t a totally socially acceptable thing. They had let those feelings take over halfway through watching a movie and his dad had walked in on them not too long after. What followed was…terrifying.

His father was calm at first. He was making Lucas go home, but he figured it was no different than if he would have gotten caught with a girl in his bedroom. Buck stupidly thought that meant it was fine.

How wrong he was.

As soon as Lucas and his mom walked out the door, Buck found himself on the ground. It took him a moment for the pain to set in and for him to realize that his dad had just hit him. It didn’t stop there, and by the time his mother had ran into the room and pulled his dad off of him, Buck could hardly move from where he was bloodied and bruised on the ground.

“If I ever,” he had spat out, “find out that you are having these thoughts, and God help you, acting on them, you’ll wish I would have killed you tonight. Do you understand me?”

Buck did, and he vowed he would never give his father another chance to hurt him like this.

He never spoke to Lucas again.

He hasn’t let himself think of any man like that in over 10 years, and while in the back of his mind he knows if it’s going to be anyone it’s going to be Eddie, because of course it would, he can’t risk losing them.

He can’t.

If that means breaking his best friend’s heart to selfishly save his own, then so be it. 

\---

It’s been two weeks, and Buck hasn’t stopped thinking about Eddie _freaking_ Diaz. It’s like the words are on a constant loop in his head, and all of a sudden, he’s just noticing everything. He notices the sound of Eddie’s laugh, and the crinkle he gets in the corner of his eyes when he smiles. He notices how soft his hands are when they brush against his, which is surprising considering the work they do. But then he notices how Eddie almost compulsively washes his hands and lotions them after every call. He notices the way his body tenses before he takes a deep breath and releases all of the negative energy before running headfirst into a burning building. Just…everything.

It’s driving him crazy and he doesn’t know what it means.

He doesn’t know if this means he’s attracted to Eddie, or if he returns his feelings. Or if all of this is just because Eddie planted the idea in his head and now Buck’s mind is playing tricks on him.

He just doesn’t _know_.

They’re watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince when Buck finds himself staring at Eddie over Christopher’s head while they all sit on the couch. His face has a few days’ worth of scruff on it. His hair has grown out a little bit from when he cut it short, and it’s more like it was when they had first met. Long enough for Buck to run his fingers through it, if he so chose to.

And where did _that_ come from?

He watches him for another moment, watches the way he stretches and wraps his arm around Christopher, pulling him closer and pressing a kiss to his head. The scene makes Buck’s heart swell and his body warm and he thinks how wonderful it would be to have that, and how lucky whoever Eddie ends up with is going to be. 

It hits him when he’s lying in bed that night that he could be that person.

Well, _damn_.

\---

They’re both working an unordinary Sunday shift when Buck decides to take a chance. He doesn’t plan it, and only really makes up his mind about it when he walks into the locker room to see Eddie with his back to him sitting on the bench. He turns his head to see who had walked in and lifts his chin in acknowledgement.

“What’s up?”

He wasn’t expecting his breath to catch in his throat.

“Hey,” he manages to get out, and he goes to clap Eddie on the back like he has done a thousand times before. Only the feel of his clothed skin under his hand gives him pause, and he lingers for maybe a moment too long.

Fuck.

“You good?” Eddie asks him, and Buck flushes at being called out.

He clears his throat and nods his head. “Yeah.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, man. I’m good.” Eddie stares at him for a moment before he sighs and nods. He sounds slightly dejected when he responds, and Buck starts panicking when he stands to walk out of the room. He only makes it a few steps before Buck is making a grab for his arm.

What is he _doing_?

Eddie turns to look at him, and Buck can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s asking the same thing.

What _is_ he doing, after all? He didn’t walk into this room with any intentions. He doesn’t even know what he wants. Or…he does. Maybe.

“Can I –“ God, how does he do this. How does he tell him that he wants to see if what he thinks he’s feeling is actually existent and not just in his head? That he wants to see if his mind is playing tricks on him. 

“Can you…?”

“I want – “ What _does_ he want? He wonders if Eddie can hear how loud his heart is beating, because he feels like the sound is filling more than just his head. His hand is still on Eddie’s wrist, and the other man’s skin feels warm under his fingertips.

“You want…?”

Buck is opening his mouth to respond, to just come out and say it, when the alarm sounds. It takes everything in him not to groan out loud. Eddie gives him a small smirk and throws him a wink, and it sends Buck’s heart into overdrive again.

“Guess I’ll never know, now, huh?” He steps away, and Buck thinks the emotion that goes through him when they’re no longer touching is disappointment.

Well, _that’s_ interesting.

\---

Buck chickens out of doing anything when they get back from the call they went on, and even when they got off shift that day. And the next….and the next…and the next few after that. He can’t bring himself to risk this. Eddie is his best friend. He remembers what it was like not having him during the lawsuit debacle, and it was the worst time he’s had in the last 2 years. If he acts on these feelings he thinks he might have and then messes something up and winds up back in that situation, what would he do with himself?

He’s startled from his thoughts when Hen slides over and throws her arm on the booth behind him.

“Let me level with you, Buckaroo.” She has that no-nonsense, don’t try and excuse your way out of this one voice one. Not quite her mom voice, because Buck has heard her with Denny, but it’s her…well, _Mother Hen_ voice that she uses so often with the 118.

“What did I do?”

“You see, it’s not what you did,” she explains, “It’s what you haven’t done yet.”

His brows furrow in confusion. “What does that even mean?”

“I mean, I don’t know what’s been going on with you the last few weeks, but I know it involves our boy back there.” She nods her head behind them, and Buck turns to look at who she’s referring to, even if he didn’t have to. Eddie had just left a moment ago to go get them another round of drinks. He watches his back before he disappears into the crowd.

“I don’t – “

“If you say you don’t know what I’m talking about, I might hit that pretty boy face of yours.”

They stare at each other for a moment, Buck trying to read her face to see how much she could possibly know and what he could get away with excusing. The answer, he finds, is everything and nothing all at the same time.

“Hen…”

“Eddie told me.”

“He told _you_?”

“Yes,” she nodded, “who else would understand as much as I do?” She raises a challenging eyebrow at him, and Buck has the decency to blush in embarrassment. “Look, Buck. I’ve been paying a lot of attention since we talked, and I think what you want is obvious. I think you’re just scared to let yourself have it.”

He doesn’t respond, but he knows he doesn’t have to – Hen always has a way of knowing people.

“We can talk about it later, because I know you aren’t ready right now and I’m not the one you should have this conversation with first,” she says pointedly, nodding her head back again. “But you deserve happiness, Buck. That’s all I’m going to say.”

He has a hard time believing that, which doesn’t come as a surprise. But her words fill him with motivation because he could at least try, couldn’t he. He’s nodding his head and moving to slide out of the booth when a thought occurs to him and he turns sharply to face her.

“You have money on this, don’t you?”

Hen doesn’t even deny it, simply sending him a smirk and a shrug. “Make a move by the weekend, won’t you?”

He gapes at her in disbelief before she’s shoving him out of the booth again. He barely catches himself from falling to the ground, but he’s up and moving before she can say anything else to him.

Here goes nothing.

“Hey.”

Eddie looks up from his phone and shoots him a smile, and damnit if Buck’s heart doesn’t start beating a little bit harder. He tries to play it off as nerves, but knows that it’s possible that it’s just Eddie’s smile that’s causing the almost painful _thump, thump, thump_ in his chest.

“Hey back,” he said once he finishes his text and puts his phone away. “You change your mind about the beer?”

Buck shakes his head, and he hopes his nerves aren’t visible on his face. “No, I just wanted to catch you alone.”

A blush immediately forms on his cheeks. When did he become so awkward? Flirting has never been an issue with him. Then again, he’s never flirted with his best friend whose friendship means _everything_ to him and who the thought of losing for fucking this up scares the absolute _hell_ out of him. He tries to stutter out an apology, or an explanation, but his words get jumbled and his face flames with embarrassment. Eddie’s voice finally breaks through his stuttering.

“Buck. BUCK! It’s okay man. I thought we said we weren’t going to make this awkward?”

“I’m not – I don’t mean to make it awkward.” And he doesn’t. Honestly. He just doesn’t know how to _do_ this – whatever this is. He can tell Eddie is starting to get frustrated with him, and he feels a bit of panic bubbling up in him. That’s the last thing he wants to happen. He has to do something to fix it, has to swallow his own nerves and get that calm, welcoming look back on his best friends face. This is what he was afraid of.

“Well, you aren’t doing too well.” Buck can’t really take the criticism. He knows that he’s messing this up. He should just stop now. Get his drink and go back to the table and pretend this never happened.

But that would just put him back at square one. He steels himself for what he’s about to do. Absently, he sees Eddie’s eyes widen just a bit.

“I want to try something. If you – if you wouldn’t mind.” He’s laid out his intentions. There’s no going back now.

“I guess that depends on what you want to try, doesn’t it?” Eddie’s smiling now, and Buck takes that as motivation. He lets out a nervous breath of laughter and takes a step forward. He reaches his hand out to connect to the skin of Eddie’s wrist, but he doesn’t stop there. The pads of his fingertips trail up the length of his arm, and he can feel the goosebumps that are left in his tracks. He stops when he reaches his shoulder and lets himself stare, dazed for a moment.

Eddie’s words barely register to him when he tells him not to do something he’ll regret.

“That’s not – “ Buck inhales, finding the last shred of strength and determination he needs for what he’s about to do. “That’s not why I’m doing it.”

“Then why?”

But Buck doesn’t answer. The smell of Eddie’s cologne is invading his senses, and he takes another step forward. Quickly, before he can talk himself out of it, he leans down and presses his lips against Eddie’s. It’s quick, over in just a flash because Buck doesn’t want to push, and once he gets that first taste, it’s like his mind explodes and he knows, he _knows_ , if he keeps going, he’s not going to stop. Because that was…nothing like he ever experienced, and nothing like he’ll ever experience again.

It was peace and tranquility overlapping excitement and heat and he wanted to do it again.

Instead, he answers Eddie’s question from before.

“Because I wanted to.”

And God, did he want to do it again.

Later on that night, he gets that opportunity. This time, it wasn’t a thought-out decision that he spent weeks agonizing over. They were walking together in the parking lot like they had done dozens of times before, and all of a sudden Buck is pushing Eddie up against the side of his Jeep and crashing their lips together. It’s chaos and pleasure and happiness all at the same time. Vaguely, in the back of his mind, Buck wonders if every kiss with this man will evoke a different emotion. He steps closer, pressing himself against Eddie’s warm body and gripping his sides in his hands.

Kissing Abby had been special. But kissing Eddie…it was like coming home, and isn’t that the much cliché thing he’s ever thought in his whole entire life? He can’t help but smile when he pulls away – an actual smile, sincere and tranquil.

Eddie is opening his mouth to speak when his phone starts ringing in his pocket. He frowns, but Buck knows not many people would be calling him this late at night. He can see that the screen says “Abuela” and he knows the older woman is watching Christopher overnight. He can’t help it when his own heart clenches in worry.

Eddie speaks with her quickly, and because Buck is standing so close, he can hear the entire conversation. Chris had a nightmare about the Tsunami, and he’s been crying for his dad. His clenched heart sinks and he can’t help the flash of Chris being pulled away from him in a wave of water cross his mind. He still hates himself for that day, no matter how much time has passed.

“Go,” he says gently, laying his hand above Eddie’s heart, “It’s okay.”

“We need to talk about this, don’t you think?” Eddie asks a moment later, and Buck shrugs.

“It’s Christopher.”

A look passes on Eddie’s face that Buck has never seen before, but thinks that he wants to see again because the next thing he knows, his breath is getting taken away from him as Eddie’s lips crash against his.

All too soon, he’s pulling away from him and speaking to his son on the phone. The vision he gives Buck, though, sends him into overdrive. He’s leaning against the dark exterior of the Jeep, his head leaning against the window and his eyes closed. His hair is mused from where Buck ran his fingers through it, and his lips are swollen to match his own. He looks…beautiful.

They exchange promises to speak later, and Buck is impressed with his own self-restraint when Eddie all but invites him over. As he’s going to walk around to the driver’s side, a thought suddenly hits Buck. How must Eddie be feeling right now? He laid his heart out for him weeks ago, and now Buck was going around kissing him with no explanation.

“Eddie,” he says, quickly turning around to face him. Eddie was halfway into his truck when their eyes meet again. “I don’t regret this, okay?” he assures him, and knows he did the right thing when he sees relief wash over the older man’s face. “We’ll talk.”

He smiles at him again, and Buck thinks he might be done for.

\---

Buck doesn’t want the conversation to be too delayed for fear of talking himself out of it. Or, at this point, even worse, Eddie changing his mind. He brings it up the next day, shortly after they finish their weekly movie night with Christopher. The child had retired to his room to read some of his book before bed, and Eddie and Buck were double-teaming the dishes as they’ve done so many times before. 

“My first kiss was with a guy.”

He can tell that he’s startled Eddie with his words by the way his body jerks and his eyes widen when they meet his. He shrugs softly, fiddling with the dish towel in his hands. He takes a deep, steadying breath to try and calm his shaking hands and beating heart before he speaks.

“You said a few weeks ago that you didn’t know if I was into men or not, but my first kiss was with a guy.” He goes on to explain how it had been with one of his closest friends, a boy in his class, who had been staying over at his house. His dad had walked in on them. He didn’t go into detail about how exactly his father had reacted, didn’t mention how Buck had feared for his life that night and it was only his mother running in that stopped his dad from killing him, but told him that he was never allowed to speak to his friend again and that that was the last time he had acted on any kind of impulse. Eventually, after years of trying, he was able to push those feelings far enough down where he could pretend they didn’t even exist.

“What changed?” Eddie asked, because how could he not?

“It’d be incredibly corny if I said you, wouldn’t it?”

Eddie laughs, and Buck feels a flutter in his stomach from the sound.

“To be honest with you, man, I don’t know. You’re my best friend. But I’ve had best friends before and have never felt as comfortable with them as I have been with you since the beginning. You make me feel…safe. Does that make sense?” Eddie nods, and Buck continues on, “I think I had pushed any of those feelings aside for so long that I just didn’t realize what they actually meant. And also because I’ve never felt so…intensely about someone else before. but when you hit me out of nowhere with your feelings, it shocked me, but it made me think.”

“I’m sorry –“

“I’m glad you did. I’m just terrified of losing you, Eddie. Of losing Christopher and this thing that the three of us have.”

And there it is, the truth of all of this. Buck was used to being alone before he came to the 118, but then he got to know what real family is and he doesn’t think he could bear it again. So when Eddie takes a step forward after he finishes laying his heart out and places a soft kiss on his lips, and then goes on to say he isn’t going anywhere, he feels reassured that maybe, just maybe, he won’t have to.

\---

He realizes that he’s been in love with Eddie Diaz in the most cliché way possible: when he thinks that he’s going to die.

It’s a nasty housefire. He can hear Bobby’s voice in his ear, asking him to report and to _get out of there, damnit._ The roof was collapsing piece by piece as the seconds went on, and the frantic beeping of his tank signifying the lack of oxygen inside of it had faded to the background as he tried to crawl his way toward where he thought the door was. There’s an intense itching in his throat, and he feels like he’s burning. He falls to the ground when a coughing fit finally overcomes him, and a piece of debris, while not heavy or harmful, startles him when it crashes against his back. He’s scrambling for purchase on something and for energy and to _damnit, Evan, call out,_ when he hears it. 

“Buck!”

He knows that voice. That voice has been such a bright light, has been such a constant and vital part of his life for the last two years. In the last month, it’s been more than he could have ever thought he deserved. It’s been _everything._

“Buck!”

He tries his best to call out to him, to try and signal where he is, but all he can manage is a coughing fit from the smoke from where he had slipped his protective face mask off after his oxygen had ran out in attempt to breathe. He doesn’t know how long he lays there choking on dirty air before suddenly hands are grabbing him and he’s being hauled up.

“Damnit, Buck, what the hell were you thinking?” He’s angry. No, maybe not angry. _Worried_. Worried for him.

He can’t focus on responding to him when he feels like his lungs are going to explode. It’s when he’s being dropped to the cool grass and no longer surrounded by red and heat and when Eddie is ripping off his helmet and he meets those eyes that are constantly present in his heart that Buck realizes it.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” He does know that, doesn’t need Eddie to tell him. He knows the words aren’t meant with any sort of malice and are only being said because of the worry that’s palpable in the air surrounding them. But he recognizes the truth in his words because how has it taken him this long to realize that he loves this man. “Cap called for us to evacuate over 5 minutes ago. Why didn’t you come out?”

It takes Buck a touch too long to respond, and he hates the look that forms on Eddie’s face when his explanation comes out as more of a wheeze than anything else. He had thought he had heard someone further back in the house, only to realize a touch too late that it had been the tv in one of the back bedrooms still going. Idiot was right.

“You can’t go scaring me like that, okay?” He hears the desperation in his voice, and Buck hates himself a little bit for being the cause of it.

“Eds-“

“I know it’s our job,” Eddie continues, effectively cutting him off, “But we talked about this – no unnecessary risks.”

“You came in after me,” Buck realizes, and the look he receives is almost incredulous in nature.

“What the hell else was I supposed to do?”

He has to tell him, he realizes. He has to tell him _right now_ because another moment can’t go by without this man who has proven time and time again that he would do anything for him, who would literally run into a burning building for him after being ordered to evacuate, knowing that he was loved.

“Eddie-“

“Dios mio, where the hell is that oxygen mask?”

“I love you, too.”

He does, God he _does_. He hates that it took him so long to realize it, even if it has only been a month since they started this _thing_ that they have going on, almost three since Eddie first told him. Eddie gapes at him for a long moment, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Buck wills his body to move, to lift his hand and trail his fingers over the face he’s explored eagerly in the last 30 days, but he’s _exhausted_. He saves the urge for later.

“I’ll love you until my lungs give out,” he gasps, and the laugh that Eddie lets out allows him to breathe a little easier, if only for a moment.

“So not long then, at this right?”

“Maybe even after that,” Buck responds back, and he wants to move and wrap Eddie up in his arms and just _love_ him, but instead he lets out a groan of pain because damnit does everything hurt. 

“How about for as long as we want?” The blonde tries to smile, but the pain is ricocheting through his body as he nods. He tells Eddie how perfect that sounds, how him and Christopher are his family, all the while thinking how much he wants the pain to stop.

“Shh, queirdo. Don’t strain yourself, okay? We’ll have that. You’re going to be just fine.”

God, Buck loves when Eddie talks in Spanish to him. He only knows bits and pieces and knows that this is a term of endearment that he has taken to calling him.

“Promise?” Eddie nods, but before he can vocalize anything, Hen and Chim arrive and an oxygen mask is being placed over his face. Almost immediately he can breathe a little bit easier. Hen makes a crack about how he’s trying to knock every hospital in the Greater LA area off his bucket list as they slide the backboard under him. But all he can focus on is the man beside him, squeezing his hand, and the promise he makes him in return.

“I’m all yours, and you’re all mine.”

Buck knows he can live with that for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! Please leave a comment or kudos - they really do mean the world! 
> 
> I'd love to keep writing for this fandom, but don't currently have any ideas. If anyone has anything they'd like to read, let me know and I'll see if I can come up with something! I'd love to hear your ideas (:

**Author's Note:**

> Drop a review - I'd love to hear your thoughts! And if anyone is interested in seeing another chapter from Buck's point of view, I've been playing around with that in my head.


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